A window into my first healing session and why it left me terrified


The things people don’t talk about are the things that shaped me. My sexual abuse, my dead parents, my gayness and going to hell in a hand basket, my internal fight with religious views, my self-esteem issues and yes men have them too, my inherit need to always please everyone except myself. How dare I try to better myself when others keep me stuck, stuck in my own shit because if I change that means their version of me has to change too and the release of that old person was terrifying to me.

I am calling this a shitshow but understand this, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I went to the depth of dark places to find something or someone that broke me. Was I even broke I kept saying to myself, was I doing this and feeling all the feels for nothing? I wasn’t broken at all, I was right where I needed to be and in looking back I was never broken.

I’m going to back 15 or so years ago when I had my first Reiki treatment. As a Reiki Master, Quantum Shaman and Energetic Frequency Practitioner now, I wish I would have taken it seriously. I had that session and didn't come back for any kind of energetic work for over a decade.

I remember the first time I had a Reiki session 15 or more years before my healing journey really started. I never told anyone about that session, that session confused me and scared me as I didn’t know want was happening to my body. I didn’t know that my body was receiving this life force energy and I had no idea what it was at the time. I didn’t know that this Sacred practice that I was receiving 15 years ago would be my life’s passion today.

I had a massage therapist at the time, her name is Jess and I will never forget her and Im blessed to call her my friend today. I would get massages every 6 months or a year or whenever I made an appointment with her and even at that time massages for men were not common and the word Reiki was unknown.

After my 4th massage session with her she stated she was a reiki practitioner and currently taking classes for it and I really had no idea what that meant. She asked if she could send some Reiki energy to me as she gave me a message and of course I said yes. I got there that midafternoon day and I immediately knew I felt different about this session and I have no idea why.

I greeted my Jess with the normal pleasantries of the “hellos” and the “how is life” kind of thing. I was directed to her room just like any other session I had before. Jess came into the room after a few minutes and we had the normal conversation about how I was feeling and if I had any pain anywhere. I was much younger than, so my body was better equipped to handle the vigor’s of life so together we focused on a general overall massage. Her room was calming and dark and always smelled like vics vaper rub which instantly brought me to my childhood memory of my dad putting this cream on his chest when he was sick.

The massage was wonderful as always and then about a halfway into it she said she was going to do some Reiki treatment on me, and she hovered her hands over my stomach for a few minutes. Then, something happened that I could not explain, I began to get emotional for no apparent reason. My stomach felt like there were 50 hands on me, but she was the only one in the room. Knowing what I know now I am better equipment to tell my own clients what is going on. Jess told me that I was having a release of emotions caused by clogged energy. I had no idea what that even meant.

After the session ended, I didn’t know what to feel or what to think but I knew I had a peace that I had never experiences before. I didn’t have another Reiki session until 15 or so years later. I wish I had known then that I was on the Path to Enlightenment. I wish I would have come back for another reiki treatment to work more on my so-called energy system.

Knowing what I know now, I understand that Jess was working on stuck emotions that were in my energetic field. She was working on things that I refused to look at for so long.

I believed I had that experience to have an understanding of how to coach first time clients that come for a Reiki session or any other form of Energy work. One out of five clients will have an emotional release during treatment.

How can I get emotional when someone’s hands are over me? I had so many questions, but I didn’t want to think about it. I wasn’t ready to get that deep with my own life. I remember getting in the car and lighting a cigarette and going about my day like nothing really happened. I believe that was the first time I meet my higher self and that version of me was trying so hard for me to wake up and for a second in that room it did and that scared me. I would rather live a life of fear instead of faith, isn’t that funny though, fear and faith are the same thing really, the belief in something that hasn’t happened yet.


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